Confessions of the heart

Coming to Peru was a dream come true. In fact, I did not even imagine it possible. I mean I went to college and studied, but not to the best of my ability. And I told Jesus I wanted to travel the world, to be used by Him how He saw fit. And He put it on my heart to someday have my own orphanage. He is the one with the big dreams. I am just the person acting out His desires. And it is tremendously difficult. To sacrifice what one would call a normal life. And I find myself in Peru, taking back my sacrifice and living by the flesh. Being in another country, trying to be a missionary, is just as difficult as being in the United States, going to college, being a mother, working at a grocery store, etc, and trying to live and fulfill the dream that God placed in one’s heart. It is just as difficult because there are temptations everywhere. And there is complacency everywhere. And there are fears and failures and pasts everywhere. One would think that you could start fresh in another country. And in some ways you can. You can have the people call you by whatever name you want. And they do not know any of your past failures or mistakes. But what you do not really get to start fresh on is your character. Who you are will travel with you wherever you go. Whether you are a nice person or a mean person or a judgmental person or a kindhearted person. Yes, we always have the opportunity to grow and change and become a better person but will be take the challenge when we are faced with new things and new places. Daily I have to decide if I will allow for Peru to just become home, normal for me. And I try to not allow it become normal. Home, yes, in many ways I never felt more at home. But I do not want to become complacent. I do not want to just be another person in Peru. I want to be a world changer. Not because it will make me feel accomplished or worthy of God’s love. I just want this because I know no other way to bring glory to His name. I know no other way than to love with Christ-like love. I know no other way than to help bring healing and take away the pain than to live like Christ would live. And yet, I am nowhere near how Jesus must’ve been on this earth. I am selfish and rude and disrespectful and dishonest and manipulative and savage. I do not love always in all situations. I judge little things and do not want others to judge me. I do not give all my time and effort to helping, caring, and loving. And I think that the time and effort I do give is something to behold. When really it is not. I could be doing so much more. And I want too. I want to make a change and I am here to say that I am. It will not be easy and it will not be over night. I will not be able to make all the changes immediately and I will struggle with some things. But I am here to say that I am going to start today to live a better life here, not for myself, but for the people here that I came to serve for Christ. The people that are worthy of God’s love.